Despite my sore hips, back and legs, lack of sleep and the back-to-work breastfeeding battle, strangely enough, my tresses are the source of the majority of my stress and frustration these days. With its length and the new and oh … Continue reading
Watching your two month old, who has become your sole purpose in life to keep happy and healthy, go from wondrous and unassuming to having the most terrifying, pain driven facial contortion followed by the same pain driven scream, is probably worse than any pain I could imagine would fall upon my own being. It would be the worst kind of torture to have to feel such helplessness more than the 5 seconds it actually took for the four vaccinations to be administered (though it felt like ages). This has been one of those moments where I think to myself “ok, so this is how it’s going to be for the REST. OF. MY. LIFE.” It’s was unbearable to see my little guy in the NICU after only barely a day in our world, being poked, prodded and we can’t forget the IV the put in his scalp. (FYI, I haven’t actually talked about this portion of our birth story yet). Unbearable? Yes, But I also attributed much of the uncontrollable sobbing, (that I admittedly thought was going to last forever), to the fact that I’d had three hours of sleep in the preceding 72 hours, which included a full day of work, hours of cooking, cleaning and unpacking, the 25 hour labor and delivery, a visit with the entire family and a tsunami of hormones. Due to the extenuating circumstances that accompanied my horror of what my newborn was being put through, I had no idea how my stable, rested self would handle real life pain on baby boy E’s face. Spoiler: It. Sucks. I now know, I’m going to be a pathetic wreck of a mother every time he skins his knee, breaks a bone, gets picked on at school, falls out of a tree, has a broken heart, leaves for college, gets married, has a kid of his own and has to suffer the same emotional roller coaster he’ll have put us through. But here’s another spoiler: It’s worth it. The everyday changes and growth we see, the smiles that fill his whole face with untainted joy — and by seeing such, fills our own souls with love and joy — watching his beautiful steel blue eyes take in every detail of wonder the world has to offer, reminding us of everything we took for granted or had, after years of drama and stress and preoccupations, forgotten to notice and cherish. To have this little being that is wholly dependent on us and who’s personhood is being created everyday by how we interact with him and each other, is a miracle like I’d never imagined. The cliches are just that for a very good reason. He is a “miracle”, a “blessing”, a “bundle of joy”. I still say these things in earnest as he fills his diaper while he sits on my lap. This is a whole new and adventurous world I now live in and while there are certainly things I mourn from my previous life, I can’t say I’d trade this new one for anything.